New Year's Reflections

I took some time today to do some thinking and reflecting. My heart is thankful. I stand in awe of the works of the Lord. On this New Year's Day, it is only fitting to reflect on this past year, and my hopes for the year ahead. I went a little further, and thought over the journey of my whole life. Below is what I wrote in my journal. Nobody has ever dared to call me spare of words...even I will admit perhaps I got a little long winded! :) Thankfulness is a hard thing to shut up, I guess... :)
This is the first day of the year 2012. And of course, this is a day to reflect on the past year, and where God has brought me. I believe that God has stretched me more this year than in the whole rest of my years combined. No thanks to myself – I think it would be more appropriate to say that in spite of me, God managed to do something in my life this year! J All glory goes to Him! How patient He has been with me! How unexplainably merciful. In my life, I don’t worship “the God of second chances.” I worship “the God of 1,000^th chances!” He is my Life, my All, and my Portion. My Strength, my Lord, and my God.

I think back to March 10^th, 1996. I was four year old. Somehow, God’s glorious truth penetrated my heart, (probably the first serious thought I had ever had in my life!) and I accepted Christ as my Savior.

Time passed as time will do, and the girl grew older. And as she grew, the “little girl bliss” and carefree attitude was slowly replaced with disgust. I was homeschooled. I couldn’t watch the movies my neighbor friends and cousins did. I couldn’t wear the clothes that the pretty girls wore. I couldn’t do sleepovers, or date, or hang out with the church youthgroups.

I was different.

And I hated it.

Conflict started developing with my mom. Tension became the norm between us. We argued. Inwardly, I screamed and shook my fist in her face. Outwardly, I cried.

I despised the life I lived. If I had had any other choice, I would have run away. I knew I was on the path toward leaving home just as soon as I could. I used to seethe to myself in my room, “I’m just making it through. Just a few more years, and all this will be over.”

Earlier, when I was twelve years old, I had been baptized. It was a happy day, and I can remember thinking, “Maybe this will solve my problems. Maybe now, I’ll be different.” I wasn’t. Water can’t wash away bitterness from the soul. A baptism can’t make a person fall in love with Jesus.

As I grew older, I began doing things behind my parents’ back. Nothing “big,” mind you. I didn’t run away, or go with guys, or start drinking. My life was too shepherded – too guarded for that. That was the frustration. I couldn’t get away with anything.

And all this time, the world saw a squeaky clean, smiling, happy Christian girl. Who could have guessed that the girl they wanted their daughters to be like was ready to chunk Christianity and her parents’ values altogether?

Eating tensions set in. Not a full-blown eating disorder, but I still managed to lose a lot of weight. In my insecurity and desperation for control, I used to think, “This is my only resort.”

God wasn’t far away, no matter how much I tried to run away. His answer came in a surprising form. I began to have panic attacks. Wave after wave of paralyzing fear. God’s graciousness, disguised as the hardest time of my life. Those panic attacks drove me back to God. In my fear, I ran to my parents and confessed everything. I turned back to God. It was a dark time of my life, but it was necessary.

I was only 15 years old at the time. Who would have thought that such a young heart could have been so bitter and dark?

And so, a new stage of my life started. I had no secrets. I was right with my parents. We learned our lesson from my struggle, and got rid of the bad influences in my life and made some big changes in our interactions.

My bitterness was gone.

Yet I still didn’t love the Lord. Here in America, the scariest thing to me is that you can be a “really good Christian” and still not love the Lord. You can dress the right way, say the right words, smile, and be respectful of adults, and people will call you an exceptional Christian – maybe even radical – and still you could have not one thread of passion for Christ in your entire being.

And that’s where I was. I knew I was missing something, but I had no idea what. And I honestly didn’t care enough to find out. Yes, the bitterness was gone, but other tensions weren’t. I was restless and discontent. I used to wonder, “What is my problem??” I couldn’t have told you what it was I was wanting – I just knew I wanted more.

I was still desperately insecure. I got closer to graduating, and dozens of people started asking THE question: “so where are you going to college?” I wasn’t. In their minds, I was wasting my life, and I believed it too. A driven-ness set in – to prove myself – to do something with my life. The only problem was, my parents saw this in me, and they (rightly) held me back. I was literally stuck.

Around October or November of 2010, a struggle began to take place in my heart and mind. I read a verse – James 4:17 – “Friendship with the world is enmity with God. Whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.” In that moment, that verse just about knocked me off my chair. I knew then that for years and years, I had desperately been trying to please both the world, and the Lord – at the same time. I also understood in that moment that I had a choice to make. I could only serve one. Which would I choose?

And I could not bring myself to make that decision.

The struggle lasted for a month. I wrote in my journal, “I believe with all my heart that when I can surrender my will to the Lord, can look to Him and say ‘Ok, it’s all Yours,’ then the battle is over. I have a strong will, and I’m not there yet. It’s my choice. I’m choosing the world. But one of these days soon, God will break my will, and I will surrender it all to Him. I will make that choice.”

God knew I needed help, so He sent one of his servants – my dad. J Dad asked me to start doing a devotional called “Thirty Days to Connect to God’s Heart.” I had to do it – Dad had asked me again and again. So I did it.

God used those times before Him to soften my heart. One day listening to some worship music, I quietly opened my hands and surrendered. I chose in that moment to serve the Lord, and to turn my back on the world. I gave my all to the Lord that day.

I didn’t know it then, but it was my first step toward owning my faith. God had helped me to stumble across what I believe is the key to a successful and true Christian life – surrender. That was December 9^th, 2010. It’s been a full year since then, yet I still remember the instant change that happened in my life after that choice. Christ became a Friend. My quiet times lengthened and deepened. Freedom filled my life. I had become a slave to God, yet ironically, for the first time, I experienced true freedom.

God has had much purging to do in my life since then. Insecurity. Fear of man. Selfishness. Pride. Disrespect. Wrong motives.

My story since then has been ups and downs. The joy of a life of surrender. The passion of Christ. The distractions of this world. The daily struggles to die to self. The insecurity of living to please men.

Yet I leave the year 2011 – convinced more than ever before – Christ is all. I have no passion but Him. I have died, and my life is Christ. I have struggled. I have fallen. And Christ has helped me up again to serve Him more fully, to love Him more deeply.

I have set out on a race, and I am running to win.

“Oh Lord, in the year 2012, I have one request. Give me a heart to know and love You more!”

Reason #25 - He Gives Us a Goal

I am so excited about this "reason!" I have so many "reasons" to write about, but they will all just have to wait. This one is a life-changer for me, and I think that if every Christian in America understood this principle, we would have a vastly different Church.

Our Lord gives us a Goal. Now I am a competitive person. I am also a goal-motivated person. If a goal is not set for me, then I set one for myself. "I want to have this project finished by 10:25." "I should be able to have read this whole book by the end of the weekend." "I will introduce myself to 3 new people at this conference." And certainly, there is no greater feeling than the elation that comes from having actually met my goal! I think a lot of us are like that. God gives us a gift when He gives us the satisfaction of meeting a goal.

Do we realize that God Himself has given us an over-arching Goal to meet? As we frantically scurry about our daily tasks, do we forget that there is only one Goal that truly matters? That Goal is Christ.

I watched the movie "Chariots of Fire" for the first time 2 nights ago. This is the story of Eric Liddell, missionary to China and an Olympic runner. Although I can't say I was crazy about every part of the movie, some of the scenes impacted me more than I realized at the time.

The next morning, during my quiet time, the Lord gave me a mental picture that I pray I will never forget.

The scenes of Eric Liddell and his fellow runners played through my mind once again. These men were dedicated. They devoted their whole life to training for the race. They lived and breathed to run. This was their passion.

And to watch them during the race...feet pounding toward the finish line, sweat pouring down their faces, arms and legs a blur as they gave every ounce of their strength to reach the end, eyes fixed on the finish line. Holding nothing back - nothing.



Look at this man. It is an understatement to say that he has a goal. His goal is his life! The two are intertwined. They have become one.

Oh Christians, could this be the picture of our lives, as we strive towards our goal?

This life is a race. Our finish line is Christ. The moment we take our last breath, we cross that finish line. Are we running to win? Do we have our eyes fixed on the Finish Line?

Hebrews 12:1-2 - "...let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith..."

I am done forever with joining the rest of Christianity in their leisurely stroll along the race track. I am done with America's distracted worship, half-hearted passion, and lukewarm love. I was there for all too long. I do not blame or judge, because this was the picture of my life for years. But oh, I am so thankful that God has given me a vision for something different! I am so thankful that He has given me this Goal, to finish well, to run with my last surge of strength into the arms of Christ, proclaiming with the apostle Paul,

"I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness...." (2 Timothy 4:7-8).

I love my Lord because He has given me a Goal!

Reason #24 - He Gave His Son

My heart has been full these past two days. The beautiful verse in 1 John 4:19 has become so much more real to me.

"We love Him, because He first loved us."

In the past, when I thought of the cross, I always thought of Christ's sacrifice. Of Christ's pain. Of Christ's suffering. "Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for a friend." And He loved me, while I was yet a sinner, despising Him and fleeing from His grace.

Yes, it is incredible to think of the sacrifice that Christ made that we might live. Yet, somehow I had never really considered the breathtaking love of the Father to make such a decision to send His Son for this lost world.

My dad mentioned yesterday that he had a 20- minute Youtube video he wanted to show my Mom and sister and me, and so we all crowded around the computer. The video portrayed in a very small way what the Father must have experienced as He watched His Son die (you can view it above). I could not hold the tears back as I understood for a tiny moment the awesome fact -

He loved His Son. But He loved me just as much.

He could have saved His Son. But He chose to save me instead.

Oh and when I understand this fact - that He LOVED me - how can I not love Him in return? How can I not adore Him? How can I not be willing to forsake all, just to sit at His feet to learn to love Him more?

1 John 4:10 - "Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."

May each of us learn to embrace the Father's indescribable love in our lives.


I love my Lord, because He gave His Son.

Reason #23 - He Invites Me to Abide in Him

My poor blog.

If blogs had feelings, this one's feelings would be hurt.

Thankfully, they don't. And my 3 faithful readers of this blog probably haven't even noticed that I haven't posted updates in a while. :) So the repercussions of my slowness in posting are relatively small.

*smile*

Actually, the only repercussion I can think of is one that affects me only. I have missed these updates. Finding "reasons" focuses me more intently on the Lord and on my love for Him. Heaven knows I need refocusing. Does it not seem ironic that the ONE important thing in life - the only thing that matters at all - is the ONE thing that I find easy to let slip by?

I am reminded of the simple, yet profound lesson that Christ taught in Luke 10:38-42. At Mary and Martha's house in Bethel, Martha scurried about, trying to fix the perfect meal for Jesus. The stove just wouldn't work right, and the dishwasher leaked water all over the floor (ok, maybe not) and everything was taking twice as long as it should have.

And all the while, her dreamy sister - Mary - sat idly with Jesus. Verse 39 - "And...Mary...sat at Jesus' feet, and heard His Word." The nerve!

In utter frustration, Martha came to Jesus with these words, "Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? (!) Bid her therefore that she help me."


And what did Jesus say? His answer just about knocked me over when I read it the other day.

"Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things...

...But one thing is needful, and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

Only one thing? In the midst of daily to-do lists that exceed the length of a regular sheet of paper - in the midst of dozens of ideas and dreams and plans for the next semester - in the midst of an impossible mountain of changes to make in my spiritual life -

One thing?

What is this one thing? It is simply this: to enjoy the presence of my Lord and Savior. To rest in His love. To hear His voice. It is to abide in Him.

I have only had brief glimpses of what this looks like. It looks like waking up with Christ as my first thought. It looks like talking to Him all throughout the day. It looks like pondering His words (Scripture verses) as I go about my work. It looks like seeing Him in every instance that happens in my life. Yes, I've only had brief glimpses of what this looks like. And I want it more.

Oh, how can I possibly stay focused on Him when the glitter of this world surrounds me on all sides? How can I possibly rest in Him when a thousand distracting thoughts go screaming through my mind every minute? If only I could see the "riches" of this world for what they really were. Cheap. Flimsy. Dishonest. Shallow. Vague. Unsatisfying. Trashy. Worthless.

The only thing I know to do is to pray for new eyes. To pray for a new heart. I know that when I seek the Lord with all my heart, I will find Him. When I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me.


I cannot do it - at all - on my own, but as I abide in Him, He will do it through me (John 15).

I love my Lord, because He invites me to abide in Him.

Reason #22 - He Directs My Steps

The Lord directs my steps, and how thankful I am for that! "The mind of a man plans his ways, but the Lord directs His steps." ~Proverbs 16:9~

So often, I don't understand why things happen the way they do. This past week, I was desperately trying to find a way to attend a photography workshop in San Antonio that I so wanted to be able to participate in. I'm a dreamer, and I never run out of new things to pursue, and new places to go, and new people to see! :) My poor sister and parents just roll their eyes at me.

But I was so hopeful that the answer would be yes and that I could go!



My dad gave me his final answer a couple days ago. It was "no."

He had good reasons. But of course I was disappointed. Of course I felt let down. And of course I let myself ask God the question we all ask Him way more often than we should.

Why?

I didn't understand then, but I knew that I had two choices. I could pout, or I could trust. I could become angry, or I could be grateful. I could focus on my disappointment, or I could give a sacrifice of praise.

Sitting here today in front of my computer, suddenly and without explanation, I understood. All last week, my mind was focused on the workshop, and the new possibilities that might open up from what I learned. I was totally wrapped up in a new pursuit.

I believe that at this point, God didn't want me to have a new pursuit, or a new dream, or a new passion. I believe He knew that if I followed through and went to San Antonio, perhaps my focus would have shifted to these new opportunities, and I would have become distracted. Is photography wrong? Not at all, and my dad thinks that it will definitely be a future pursuit for me. It simply wasn't the right timing. Photography - or music - or even ministry - can only be a good thing if it doesn't become the main thing.

This is so new for me - this desire to live my life wholly for Him. This desire to have a burning passion to know Him more. And I am realizing with a thrill that He wants me to love Him. He is jealous for my love. And He doesn't want to let anything stand in the way of that.

He is guiding me - gently but firmly - down the path of His best.



I love my Lord, because He directs my steps.

Reason #21 - He Is My Soul's Husband

Listen to this verse:

"For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called" (Isaiah 54:5).

Isn't that beautiful? I'm 19 years old, and I'm a girl, and girls love to dream, and girls love romance stories and fairy tales. Prince and Princess ride off in the sunset on a noble white steed into the sunset, and they live happily ever after. *sigh*

And so go the stories...stories that would have me believe I can never be happy as a single girl. Stories that would whisper in my ear, "You'll never be complete until that special someone comes into your life..."

I beg to differ!!

Right now, at this very moment, I have a Husband! I have a Lover! And this is no ordinary groom, but my soul's Husband willingly laid down His life for me.

Oh, how I wish I could know the extent of his love for me. How I wish I could understand the depth of His commitment to me. And how I wish that I could love Him more.

Yes, what a beautiful paradox! Right now, even as a single girl, I am married. I love being single, and I'm truly content right now! I love the freedom that comes from being unmarried, the freedom to be able to focus undistractedly on my Lord. And I don't want to lose sight of that. As more and more of my friends began dating or courting or getting married, I don't want to fall away from my Maker and my Husband, and began dreaming of an earthly man.

Yes, I look forward to being married one day, and falling in love with a man. But until that day comes, I am satisfied. I am more than satisfied.

I wrote the song below so I could sing it and remind myself: "I am His bride!"

MY FIRST ROMANCE

Castles in the clouds, Starry-eyed dreams

Fluttering hearts, “Does he love me?”

Fragile hopes, Shattered dreams

Broken hearts - all this I see.

I have found love – vast and free

Love that spilled its blood for me.

CHORUS

How could I resist His tender call?

How could I resist Love giving all?

My heart has found its One true Love

Oh, this is my first Romance.

Hand in mine, walks by my side

He’ll never leave , I’m asking “why?”

Somehow, someway, He wanted me

Here’s my heart, here’s all of me

CHORUS

A bride right now, I wait for my Groom

Clothed in white, He promised it soon

Can’t wait for the day I see His face.

My Groom will come, and take me away.

I love my Lord, because He is my soul's husband.

Reason #20 - He is My Life

My life verse is Colossians 3:1-4. I LOVE this passage - it has changed my life! Listen to verse four:

"When Christ, WHO IS OUR LIFE, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory."

Isn't that amazing to think about?? Christ is my life.

I often hear people say, "Basketball is my life" or "Music is my life." Basketball and music are both lovely things - I'm not saying in any way that we shouldn't participate in them. I've done both and love them! But what would it look like if every Christian could honestly say, "Christ is my life"? How would the world be changed if each of us was wholly consumed by one goal, one passion?

Our life is like a sentence.

If our lives could be portrayed by one sentence, what would your sentence be?

Read the following Christian “life sentences,” and see if you can assimilate a clear view of the person being described.

“I love God, my boyfriend is cute, and volleyball is my favorite!”

“Football is great, I want to be rich, and I go to church twice a week.”

Are you confused? Unsure? Misguided?

Now read the following example:

“I love the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Here is power! Here is clarity! We have a crystal clear perception of this person’s life. There is no room for any extra goals. One theme comes clearly into focus.

Listen to Paul’s life sentence: “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” (Phil 1:21) His life was Christ. Nothing more.

Let each believer realize that when we accept Christ, we die to our own life. Every previous goal, every former ambition, goes to the grave. A divided life is also an ineffective life that screams out opposite messages to its “readers.” Christ does not ask to be tacked on to the end of our life sentence. He asks to be our life sentence.

Romans 6:4 – “Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.”

Galatians 2:20 – “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.”

Colossians 3:1-4 – “If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above…Set your affection on things above, and not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with Him in glory.”

If a Christian finds that his life goals are divided – that more than one focus claims his heart – it is time for him to do some editing! He must write out his life sentence, and then study it to identify his purposes and goals. There will be activities that he will need to drop from his calendar, much like words that simply do not need to be written. He must remove the unneeded extras that would distract from the main focus of his life.

I love my Lord, because He is my life.